Growing up I always had a vision of what I wanted to achieve in life. Nothing spectacular, as a matter of fact the opposite. My goals were to finish school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have children and then I would stay at home with them and teach them all I know just as my mother did for us.
I honestly wanted to do this and not because I thought that this is what a woman should do but because I felt it was my path and purpose on life. (Sorry to all the feminists out there 😉 )
Fast forward a lot of years to 2020 and now I’m 31. Where am I now? I did get a degree, then got a job, shortly after I got married, a few years later we welcomed our first child, a little boy. Sounds like things are going splendidly right?
Here’s the catch though, I was the main income provider in our little family, and so after 4 months maternity leave I had to go back to work full-time.
This was a very dark time in my life. Everything was wrong, what did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? Hadn’t I done everything right? These questions plagued me and I spiralled into deep depression and anxiety which was of course not helped by postpartum hormones and lack of sleep, compounded by a stressful job.
Now my boy is 3 and with time I’ve started to pull myself out of that deep hole. Now the problem is that I don’t know what is next? I feel lost, I don’t know what my goals are, I don’t know what to work towards. What is my passion? What inspires me? What do I want to do with my life? What makes my life worth living?
I find myself sitting at work aimlessly scrolling through the internet, productivity at an all time low, unable to focus on what I need to do because I find it incredibly boring, but if you ask me what I would prefer to do, I can’t give you an answer.
I don’t know.
But I want to find out.
Searching for Life 